07 Oktobre 2007
I just got off the second worst phone call of my life.
One of my 2nd cousins, who were unable taste freedom in her life, committed suicide. I don’t know the whole story (honestly, I don’t want to know). And I don't even know what to say. Maybe my thoughts have a lot. Yoko na sanang mag-blog pero I had to. Dapat kahapon ko pa na post to kaya lg pesteng yawa-a na friendster, sira ung blog. Tsaka wala kang pakialam kung mali ang grammar ko. As if hnde ka Filipino accent! Anyway, I've continually struggled through the worst things life has to offer, but nothing, NOTHING that bad. My sister Meiane called me up, at wala akong masabi. I felt flat. I can feel their pain right now kahit wala ako dun.
Her mother usually tells us that we have to take her along sa gimikan. But she is too shy. May sarili ding mundo. I will always remember Debbie, a girl with an angel’s face, and courage to be reckoned with. I admired her that she decided to be who she is. Therefore, this is for her…
The truth of this life is that some people get raw deals. Some people suffer so that others can be lucky. Some people get all the breaks, and some get broken. If you've been lucky, thank someone who's suffered.
Anymore, I think this is just who I am, and I honestly mean what I say when I feel this way. Just because most people are too "polite" to tell the truth, doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes need to be said. I don't really care if that makes me the bitch.
I have been having such terrible days. I just don't care. I know that I am being abrasive. I know I am being impatient, irritable, and mean. I have very little patients for incompetence, even on the best of days. Times like this, I have none.
If you don't want to do it, and do it right, shut up and let someone else do it. Don't half ass something, and then get pissed when someone else goes back and redoes your work. Don't get mad because I work circles around you. Stop pouting when things don't go exactly like you think that they should. If you weren't such a bitch, and didn't spend so much time worrying about everyone else's business, you might have more time to do a better job. Have you every thought that the reason you think nobody likes you, is because they don't. Have you ever thought that maybe since you have a problem with everyone, then maybe the real problem is you? Worry about your own business, stop talking about everyone behind their back, and quit kissing ass to someone's face and putting a knife in their back. If you could do all of that, maybe you might not be so miserable and might actually grow a life of you own.
I used to get so upset after a had a day like today. I would worry that someone didn't like what I said. If someone got mad at me, I would blame myself, because I am the one that's nuts, I must be wrong. It just hit me that just because I have some problems, don’t always make me wrong. It might make me at bit blunter with my delivery that I should be, but you really shouldn't push buttons, unless you want to see what they do. Sure, I might have always backed down in the past, but maybe I've had enough. I used to feel like I needed friends so bad, that I would settle for anyone that would talk to me. Maybe I realized that I would rather be friendless than to let you push me around, in your subtle way.
I don't have time for chit chat. You don't really care how I am, so why bother asking? It's just these stupid games that we play with each other, where we can feel better about ourselves. How are you? Fine. And you? Pretty good. If I told you how I was really feeling, you would probably avoid me as much as possible in the future. My own family doesn't want to know when I feel like this. Why? Because if they don't know, they don't have to worry about it. They don't have to pretend to relate, when they really have no idea. Or even worse, try to convince me that if I wanted to, I could just snap out of it. Trust me, nobody feels like this, if they have a choice.
A nice middle ground would be nice. How is middle ground again? It's been so long since I've seen it, I forgot. I remember it's nice and I like it there. I hope that it hasn't forgotten about me. If effort alone could do it, I would already be there. I've just got to hold on. This too shall pass. It always does. And then again, it always comes back...
But again, that’s me. That’s harsh reality.
And sa lahat…
No one should negotiate their dreams. Dreams must be free to flee and fly high. No government, no legislature, has a right to limit your dreams. Kahit committed kayo, wala xang karapatan kung anong gusto mong gawin. You should never agree to surrender your dreams. I believe memories live forever even when there’s nothing left you still have your last thoughts and memories to live by; nothing ever goes away it always stays with you, as long as it means something. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched ... but are felt in the heart. If you see a whole thing - it seems that it's always beautiful. Planets, lives.... But close up a world's all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life's a hard job, you get tired, you lose the pattern. The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. Life is bound to end so LIVE IT UP!
